Big news from the world of archaeology today, and the human race breathes a collective sigh of relief. Researchers at the ancient city of Xultun, in Guatemala, have announced the discovery of a stone-carved Mayan calendar that continues far past December 21, 2012, the date on which a calendar in the well-known (and now infamous) Dresden codex ends. Conspiracy theorists have long predicted that the Mayans knew something we don’t, and that they carefully selected 12/21/12 as the last date on their calendar because it would be, literally, mankind’s final day on earth — whether because of some cataclysmic natural destruction event, because an itchy-trigger-fingered head of state launched a nuclear arsenal and set Doomsday in motion, or because the Mothership was scheduled to return and take all the Movementarians off to Blisstonia before destroying our blighted planet. This newly-discovered calendar (actually a lunar table indicating recurring cycles of the moon) was created in the ninth century AD, about 500 years earlier than the Dresden codex, and covers some 7,000 years of predicted time. This means two things: 1) The Mayans had no reason to believe that the world would end eight months from now, and 2) I wasted an awful lot tempera paint on that “Welcome, Aliens” banner.